It's my dessert that's gross! (perpet) wrote,
It's my dessert that's gross!

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A blast from the past.

So, five years ago during NaNo, I needed to pad out my word count. This led to me locking two dudes in a safe and making them talk to one another, which led to one character telling a 2300-word version of the Aristocrats joke. Which, if you don't know what it is, you should read the wiki to know what you're getting into.

And here it is.

Micah’s grin got wider, and he slid down the wall to sit again. “This guy walks into a talent agent’s office. He’s in a top hat and tails. He stands in the middle of the office and taps his cane on the floor twice. “I have the show for you!”, he tells the talent agent.

The talent agent looks him up and down and decides to give him a chance. “What’s your act?” he asks the man.

“It’s a family act, sir,” says the man. “Let me bring my family in here.” He walks back over to the door and opens it. A woman, two children, an older couple, a dog, a cat, and a ferret walk into the office. The woman is wearing a beautiful beaded dress cut down to the bottom of her breasts. The children, a boy and a girl, are dressed in dark blue suits. The boy is in pants and the girl is in a skirt. They are both wearing black dress shoes. The elder couple are dressed in a fine tuxedo for the man and a long red dress for the woman. The dog, the cat, and the ferret are all wearing diamond studded collars. The man gestures to each of them in turn. “This is my wife”, he points to the woman in the beaded dress. She performs a perfect curtsey. “These are my children,” The boy and girl bow and curstey. “And these are my parents,” the older couple bow and curtsey. “And these are our pets. The dog is Majesty,” the dog jumps on his hind legs and takes three steps forward, then three steps back. “The cat is Tybalt,” the cat takes a step forward, performs a triple somersault, and lands on the dog’s back. “And the ferret is Prince Valient,” the ferret climbed up on the talent agent’s desk, balanced on its front feet, and flipped onto the back of the cat.

The talent agent was unimpressed. “Is that it?”

“No, sir. We’re just getting started.” The man walked up behind his wife, flipped up the back of her dress, and started fucking her doggy style. She, in turn, grabbed her father, ripped open his pants, and started sucking his dick. The older man grabbed his wife, spun her around, and started fucking her up the ass with a twelve-inch black dildo. The older woman grabbed her granddaughter lifted up her skirt, and shoved a fist into her cunt. The daughter grabbed her brother, ripped off his pants and started fucking him in the ass with the cane the father had used to walk into the room. The son grabbed the dog, lifted its tail and started fucking it. The dog started eating out the cat, and the cat started blowing the ferret. They are one long fuck-chain, starting with the father and ending with the ferret.

Suddenly, the father pulls out of the wife, smacks her into a wall, pulls the grandfather away from the grandfather and starts fucking the grandfather in the ass. The grandfather yanks the dildo out of the grandmother, slams it into his granddaughter’s mouth, and starts fucking the grandmother in the cunt.

The girl pulls herself off of her grandmother’s fist, takes the dildo out of her mouth, and walks over to the wall. She smacks her mother across the face with the dildo and starts eating her out.

The son keeps fucking the dog, grabs the cat but the tail, spins it around, and sends it flying across the room. The cat hits the mother and takes a huge dump in her mouth. The mother takes the shit, shoves her daughter away from her, walks across the room and smears the shit on her husband’s face. The husband pulls out of the grandfather, pulls out a pair of white gloves, slips them on and proceeds to perform a black face routine.

Meanwhile, the grandfather pulls out of the grandmother, cums all over her tits and face, and starts fucking his grandson. The grandmother walks over to the man, grabs him by the ears, and starts slamming his face against the talent agent’s desk. The mother takes the cane the daughter had been using on the son and shoves it up the cat’s ass. She then walks around the room proclaiming herself queen of the cats.

The son pulls out of the dog’s kicks it in the teeth, and shoves the ferret up his ass. The daughter straps on a sixteen-inch dildo and starts fucking the grandmother while the grandmother starts sucking off the father. The father wipes the blood off of his face from where he’s been beaten against the desk, and uses the blood to draw swastikas all over the grandmother’s face. The mother takes the cat on the cane and starts hitting people in the back of the head. She takes the other end of the cane, shoves it up the dog’s ass, and the dog and cat run around the room with the cane hanging between them. The grandfather grabs the cane and spins it above his head like a baton. It gets stuck in the ceiling fan.

The grandmother finishes sucking off the father and starts screaming racial slurs at the top of her voice while her daughter pulls an American flag out of a bag and takes a huge piss on it. She then grabs the son, shoves him onto the piss-soaked flag and starts fucking him while cutting him with a rusty razor. The daughter pulls the ferret out of the son’s ass and shoves it down the grandfather’s throat. The grandfather starts sucking the ferret like a dick while the granddaughter takes a huge shit on her grandmother’s chest. The grandmother takes the shit and builds a sand castle, which she tops with a Nazi flag.

The father takes a plant from the corner of the room, a large ficus, digs a hole in the dirt and shoves his dick into it. While he fucks the plant his wife pulls a cactus out of her bag and shoves it up his ass. She then goes to the daughter and starts beating her with a leather strap. The grandmother vomits into the son’s mouth and jerks him off. He cums all over her tits and face, and she smears it into a portrait of George Washington. The grandfather picks up the dog by its back legs and starts eating it out while the cat climbs onto the daughter’s back and starts ass-fucking her while her brother spits the vomit into her cunt.

The father yanks the cactus out of his ass and blood and shit spew everywhere. The mother takes an aloe plant out of her bag and shoves it up his ass to stop the blood and shit. The ferret jumps out of the grandfather’s mouth and slides around in the shit and blood. He lands on the flag and starts humping it. The son grabs the ferret by the balls and shoves it up his sister’s cunt. The sister smears her brother’s blood all over the walls and starts jerking off her father and grandfather while she sucks off her brother’s dick.

The ferret wiggles free of the girl’s cunt and shoves itself up the grandmother’s ass while she straps on a dildo and starts fucking the girl up the ass. The mother straps on a dildo and starts fucking the girl up the cunt. The brother, father, and grandfather all come at the same time and shower the mother, grandmother, and daughter in cum. They sing “It’s Rainin’ Men” in perfect pitch as they are covered in bukkai.

The father pulls the aloe plant from his ass, pisses in the pot, and throws it against the wall. The grandfather reaches into the mother’s bag and pulls out a small box with a lock. He grabs the grandmother, shoves a hand up her cunt, and pulls out a key. He uses the key to unlock the box and pulls out a ball gag and handcuffs. He shoves the ball gag in the granddaughter’s mouth and starts beating her with the handcuffs.

The granddaughter comes and squirts vomit and ejaculate from her cunt. The grandmother grabs her by the ball gag and uses it to throw her against the floor. The mother and grandmother start beating the shit out of her with a spare chair in the office.

The son pulls another chair across the room, sits down, and starts reciting Hitler’s greatest speeches while fucking the cat in the ass and getting fucked in the ear by his father. The father comes in the son’s ear and uses some of the cum to draw a Hitler mustache on his son’s face. The son jumps up, and keeps fucking the cat while he goosesteps across the room with one hand held up in a ‘heil’ position.

The daughter drags herself up off the floor from her beating and starts reciting the collected works of Edgar Allen Poe while she pulls a crucifix out of her mother’s bag and shoves it up her cunt. The mother pulls out the Bible and starts ripping out pages while reciting the twenty-third Psalm and taking it up the ass from the dog.

The grandfather starts fucking the son who fucks the father who fucks the ficus. He strips the leaves off one end of the ficus and shoves it up the grandmother’s ass. Then he puts the plant down on the floor and leaves the grandmother impaled on the top while he bends over, grabs his ankles, and does a somersault that makes the grandfather’s dick pop out of his ass.

The mother finishes ripping up the Bible and throws it against a wall. The daughter walks over to the Bible, takes a huge shit on it and uses the shit to draw Satanic symbols on the wall over the Bible. She then takes the tattered remains of the Bible, folds them in half, and sets them on fire. She throws the Bible onto the flag, and the flag, covered in piss, shit, vomit, and blood, goes up in flames. The whole family jumps on the fire, writhes around screaming, and jumps back out, covered in burns. They then smack each other on the burns while screaming obscenities in seven languages and taking turns fucking the animals. The ferret dies while the grandmother fist fucks it, and the grandmother uses it as a puppet and performs the second act, third scene of “Romeo and Juliet”.

The dog lifts his leg and takes a piss to put out the fire caused by the Bible and the flag. It eats the burned remnants of the Bible and the flag and shits them out so that they spell out the first book of the Book of Mormon [it was a huge shit]. The cat climbs on top of the ficus, knocks it over, and rearranges the dirt so that it is a likeness of the Marque De Said. The whole family pauses for a moment, bows to the portrait, and then starts fucking a trio of midgets that have dropped from the ceiling on rip cords. After the midgets have been fucked in the ass, they start performing a tumbling routine in the piss and shit and vomit and blood and end in a stack that is three-high. The grandmother pulls out a crowbar and knocks each of the midgets in the back of the knees. They go flying, and the grandmother shoves the crowbar up the end of the grandfather’s penis. The midgets pull themselves up off the floor and overpower the grandmother. They shove their dicks into her cunt and fuck her in perfect three beat time.

The grandfather yanks the crowbar out of his penis and slams it into the back of the granddaughter’s head. She falls on her face in the shit, stands back up, and performs her own version of the blackface routine. The rest of the family smears their faces with shit and jumps into the black face routine. They stand in a row, with the three midgets standing in front of them, and break into a rendition of “Mamee” as the midgets put on Ku Klux Klan hoods and piss in a triple arc. They piss in the shape of a cross, and the dog clamps a match in his teeth that he lights on the floor and places on the piss cross. As it burns, the cat jumps into the middle of the flames and goes up in a flare. The flames go out and the cat is laid out in a representation of Jesus. The father steps forward, places a crown of thorns on the cat’s head, and the whole family bows to the cat.

The family stands back up, circles around the dog, and starts stabbing the dog with rusty knives. The grandfather starts beating the dog with the crowbar before picking up the cross that the daughter had used to fuck herself, and using it to brain the dog. The dog falls over dead, and the family cuts it into pieces and eats it raw. They then grab the midgets, spin them around by the their heads, and slam them into the walls. All the midgets die.

The family lines up again, performs a triple backflip in unison, and ends with the grandmother fucking the grandfather with a dildo, the grandfather fucking the mother, the mother fucking the father with a dildo, the father fucking the daughter, and the daughter fucking the son with a dildo. The son fucked the cactus. Everyone came, spewed cum everywhere and ended in a split.

The talent agent raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his chair. “What do you call this act?”

The family, one after the other, stepped with one foot out and spread their arms. The father spoke, “The Aristocrats.”

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